fear of death to gratitude for life
From a series of personal experiences, I find myself reflecting on what I have learned from death this year.
It was sometime in January, I found myself sitting in my living room with an overwhelming dread of the end, of dying, of trying to answer that question.
Within that unknown, I found my heart pounding fast, a feeling larger than my physical heart gripped me and the shakiness within my ribs, my pelvis had the sensation of ice cold. I had for the first time become aware of the real physical sensations of a panic attack, outside of my racing mind.
This fear had become a recurring daymare and the approach I was talking (which is basically trying to hide from it!) was not working. The fear wanted my attention, trying to get me to work with it, look at it, hold it, touch it, observe, be curious. It wanted me to hear what it had to say. My body communicated to me with this strong sensation of ice cold I had never felt before. The sensation itself was unnerving and yet, it was like my body was working to connect with me and help me uncover the beliefs that created the fear response.
It was clear. I was scared of dying. I was scared of the people I love dying. I was scared of the Earth dying. And while I have worked over the years to get a better relationship with death by reading about it, writing about it, talking about it (not everyone’s favorite topic, sorry to those!), what I discovered was that it wasn't about coming to terms with my or even others death, it was about me coming to terms with my life and how I was in it. Because while I was scared about dying, what I was really scared of was having an unresolved end, a conflicted end, a last word unspoken.
It was from that point until now that I emerged with new practices, ones that keep me in my days with myself and with those I love. I am aware, conscious, connected with my network. And while I know that death is not so simple, I have increased my chances of having a positive last experience with myself and those I love through my daily presence practice. And, when I inevitably do fall out of presence, my practice brings me back and allows me to identify why I've acted the way I have and to apologize, if necessary, with the quickness.
This practice of presence has given me the opportunity to work through these fears from a place of love and understanding that I found within my own heart and soul. Presence is a balm for the heart and soul. A gift anyone can give to their own being. The gift of truly living inside the confines of death.
